3 Min Read

3 min


How to Be A More Efficient New Yorker

  1. Dating. It’s a time sucker! Especially if you’re talking to more than one person. Who has the time to juggle?
    Solve: Streamline the back-and-forths by putting all your romantic prospects into one group chat. You’ll never have to explain what you like to do “in your free time” again. Put those reclaimed minutes toward stalking all of their exes, starting from high school, then move on to their work history on your burner LinkedIn profile.
  2. It seems as though everyone’s looking for ways to cut down their morning routines.
    Solve: Eat breakfast in bed the night before and get a head start on the day.
  3. Happy hour. That window of time thinner than a slice of Eataly prosciutto. The seemingly mythical corporate activity you’ve never left work early enough to make.
    Solve: Next “Thurs,” squeeze in an abridged version by gathering all of your colleagues into one elevator for a few beers on the way down! Unwinding is an important team-building activity no one should have to miss.
  4. Imagine how much time we’d all save if we just woke up without needing to coif?
    Solve: Next time you get out of the shower, skip the blow-drying stage and try sticking your head out the bus/car window as it whooshes down the street instead. You’ll find this en route air-drying technique saving you a good 10-15 minutes every day. That’s almost 2 hours a week.
  5. Desktops, dogs, shoes, babies—the number of things in our day-to-day weighing us down and causing friction is seemingly endless.
    Solve: Put everything on wheels. Time can’t fly when your body and belongings fly faster!
  6. Many a day is spent responding to emails. Before you know it, it’s 3 p.m. and you haven’t even started actual work yet.
    Solve: Remove spaces entirely from your messages. Typing time will be cut in half, and with fewer pauses, recipients will be able to read them faster, too. A win-win.
  7. Sometimes, two hands just aren’t enough.
    Solve: Use your feet! After some fine muscle training, you’ll find that toes are great for tasks such as cooking, corresponding, and cleaning. Who says you can’t be your own personal assistant?
  8. In the mood for delays? Take the L train. With cars perpetually too packed to board, riders are often forced to wait until the next train arrives. And with such an unreliable schedule, who knows when that’ll be?
    Solve: Sew industrial-strength magnets into all of your clothes. When the train pulls in, immediately fling your body onto its exterior. Feel the wind rush through your hair. Scream you snooze, you lose! to anyone left on the platform in Birkenstocks and socks.
  9. The threat of missing an alarm is real. Who’s to say in that zombie state you won’t press stop, turn back around, and sleep through an important meeting?
    Solve: Become nocturnal. You’ll never not wake up if you weren’t asleep to begin with. It’s simple logic.
  10. Luciano Pavarotti once famously said: “One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.” To which we say: Not when there’s stuff to get done.
    Solve: Eat all your meals at once. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, hell—medication, your 2 liters of suggested water intake—layer them all in a blender and pour coffee over the whole thing. Serve room temp for ease of swallowing.
  11. Rooftop parties. The city’s quintessential nice weather pastime. But with multiple on a given Saturday, how to make them all on time? No one wants to run the risk of missing golden hour or, heaven forbid, a sunset.
    Solve: Zipline between buildings for an expedited commute! Natural velocity will keep you on schedule, all whilst remaining al fresco.